What defines me?
I can remember well doing long and ultra-distance events, at some point it gets tough, time to lift the head up, one step at a time, take the pain, smile through it, cos it was going to get better, sometimes it didn't, it got tougher, but with the next stroke or step one got closer, the one after that worked too, they were hard, but a smile, a deep breath, then it got better and another stroke/step it became easy again. Then comes a hill arrives or the wind picks up, the tide changes, tough, breath deep another stroke/step the top gets easy again and on it goes, always with a smile as tough as it gets we go on and never ever give up, ever!!!
When I look in the mirror, how do I know what I am seeing is me? Do I see what others see, what do I focus on, does the amount of light change the image I see? Does it matter if I have shaved or applied moisturiser to my face, if it’s day or night?
Throughout our life journey we will be confronted with many different situations and experiences, some will be filled with happiness and pleasure, and some will be filled with sadness and heartache. How we react to each of these experiences and what we are faced with determines what kind of consequences and directions the rest of our journey through life will be like.
I’m married, I’m a mediator, I work full time, I’m an athlete, I’m a swimmer, I’m a father, I’m a grandfather, I am a heart recipient, I’m a survivor, I have a MBA, I’m an Ironman.
These are some of the things that I have done. I have been called many things by many people, my favorite is “ankle”, most bosses get called an a$$hole but ankle is better cos it is lower than an a$$hole!
These are the things people through my life may define me as, but I see them as simply part of my journey, each of these titles or life experiences will demonstrate what we are made of at any moment in time? The manner in which I act over a long period of time (life time), what people see me do, hear what I say, the way I respond, is the way I define myself. Over a life time that has changed for me. Hopefully I have learnt along the way, altered, adapted and changed the way I do things, what I say, how I react.
During my illness I had a lot of time to reflect, it is often said when one experiences a near death experience one sees their life flash before their eyes. Well I can say that there is truth to that. I had time to look at my life, the things I have done, achieved, my relationships, my work, my hobbies, what I have accumulated, the things I did badly and those that I did well. I am proud of many things in my life, there are things that I am not proud of. There are those that I learnt things from and there are those that learnt things from me.
Some people look at me and say I am lucky, I have never won lotto, I have never won a raffle, I have won spot prizes. I got terminally sick, not sure I was so lucky with that, I got a got a heart donated by a family of a person that passed away. I don’t define that as luck, or fate.
Some say God has a plan for that stuff, I don’t really believe in the god that religions speak of, I do agree with many of the ideas and teachings that many religions have, Don’t kill each other, don’t steal, etc. those things are simple, they are sensible and if we all lived our life that way there would be less strife and issues in the world. Domestic & sexual violence wouldn’t exist if there was a god, surely a god does not have that as a plan for anyone. Same a god would not allow me to have got as sick as I did, nor allowed someone to die so that their family could then donate me a heart to save my life.
Do I have a faith, in who I am not sure, it really matters not, I do know that if I work hard, try not to offend or hurt others, look after myself, family and friends, then life will be OK. Sure there will be ups and downs, there will be hard times, as I have been through, testing my resolve, the love Pauline and I have. Yes there will sadness, I have lost my Grandparents, fortunately no other member of my immediate family have passed away yet, they will one day, and I will be sad and upset. I miss my Mum already, she hasn’t passed yet but suffers from dementia; that is hard on us and her and her partner Les.
I was not allowed contact with my son after he was 3 yrs old, that hurt, that nearly destroyed me as a person, I was unable to have proper relationships for most of my life as a result of the actions of his mother, my trust did not allow me to be mature enough to deal with intimate relationships properly, I kept looking to replace my son. I was fortunate to meet Pauline later, it was hard establishing our relationship, I did some stupid things, but we worked them through and hopefully have found a great place together, I learned about real love, I learned to trust again, and tell how I felt.
I believe that every experience I have had contributes to who I am, as I believe does it to all of us. Some of us learn from those experiences, we collect them, put them in our memory, adapt, take the positives, learn from the negatives move on and repeat time and again. Hopefully becoming a better person along the way, others do not, maybe because of substance abuse, maybe it’s just too hard, maybe they did not learn resilience when they were younger, maybe they had it too easy, maybe they were overprotected, never fell out of a tree, never fell over and broke a bone or cut themselves.
After I had my heart attack I believed I was getting better, I wasn’t, I got worse, I convinced myself that I wasn’t sick and that it would be all good in time, it didn’t. I smiled and laughed out loud, physically I pushed myself to prove I was getting better, I told everyone I was OK and ready to get on with it, I wasn’t any of those things. So when reflecting on these things I asked myself some questions:
Do I give you when life gets challenging, difficult or tough? No I don’t I tend to knuckle down, take a deep breath look to see where or how I can get through it Never ever give ever.
Do I offer others encouragement, hope, and confidence?
Do I build people up, not tear them down? I have always given other the chance to learn, experience things they would otherwise not. In my work life I gave others the possibility to be the best they could, exposed them to experiences, let them have their head and learn from their failures, picked them up and helped them along. In my personal life the number of people who have done amazing things with my encouragement and support. It has been a thing I do, maybe as the eldest sibling.
Do I ignore those who are negative, those who would limit me? I guess I do, especially since I have had a new life, but I have always, those that hurt me, or my friends, and cause those I love harm of some kind, I tend not to have anything further to do with them. If they come and talk to me and “genuinely apologise” I give them a second and sometime a third chance, but as those who fit in this group know I don’t tend to have anything to do with them.
Do I allow every one of my life experiences to add wisdom and create understanding? I try, I have experienced much in my life, much of which I am proud of, some of which I am not so proud. The biggest thing I have learnt form y transplant experience is that sometimes you have to place your trust, faith and belief in others, allow them to do what need to be done, listen and learn from them, do as I am told without question or second guessing.
Just as I have been inspired by others, teachers, coaches, those that became friends,a boss or two. I know I have inspired others, the things I have learned have been passed to others, and some of those have done greater things than I have. I also have experience the corruption of others, hurting people for their own ends, conspiring and doing things that hurt others for their own benefit, often to the detriment of the organisation they serve, dishonest behaviour to further their own career. I have mostly tried to hold them to account where I could, where I couldn’t I have walked away and tried to protect other. I have watched some of them come to national prominence and then watch also as they fall to disgrace or are ultimately found out. I was once told I should learn from an individual that I found false and somewhat incompetent. That person was held in high regard, they had the gift of the gab, and they were destined for high places. Some years later they were convicted and sent to prison. Those that considered I could learn something and put me down because of my view have never come back and said sorry we should have listened, but there you go.
How do I define myself, I do so by asking those questions and hope to continue to learn some things about the manner in which I respond and hopefully do some good in the places that I live, work and play.
Here are 20 questions that helped me thinking about who I am and why I really didn't want to die:
How confident am I of my-self.
How many risks am I willing to take?
How much do I respect those who work with or for me?
The extent to which I can love.
How much I stand by the ones I love when the going gets tough.
How much effort I’m willing to put in.
The way I treat people who need you.
How honest I am with myself about who I really are.
How proud I am of my strengths and how aware I am of my shortcomings.
How content I am with what I have.
What I preach and what I practice.
The way I accept things I cannot change.
Whether I can laugh at myself or not.
How much I inspire people around you.
The words I choose.
How well I take criticism.
Whether I stand up for what’s right and stand against what’s wrong.
How much importance money and other materialistic gains hold in my life.
How often I appreciate others on their efforts.
The thing that really makes me happy.
This video is a full on Documentary on Heart Transplant for the UK, it is 90 minutes long and tells the true story of Transplant some of it very sad, some is the amazing story we go through. Much that is contained here I have been through, the emotions waiting, just before and after tell the story well. If you have the time well worth the watch. You actually see some the the transplant OP, so if you are squeamish you better not watch those bits.
What I have learnt what is NOT important and doesn’t generally matter too much
How much I earn and what our bank balance is.
My job; the work I do.
What others think of me
How many friends I have.
My past failures and rejections.
My body and appearance.
How popular I am.
Which car I drive, which street I live in, what clothes I wear and where I socialise